Can God Make My Boyfriend Love Me Again

Hey friend!

The question nosotros're answering today is a question I go all the time, and then I wanted to put something a fleck more comprehensive together for you. This is honestly more of an eBook than information technology is a weblog post, but this is such a big, important, and tender topic, I didn't want to exit ane thing out.

Okay, without further ado, let's go to today's topic, and the question that inspired it:

Love Stephanie,

I really need some advice. I take feelings for a guy, and I take for a actually long fourth dimension. The problem is that he says he doesn't feel the aforementioned way well-nigh me. I know I should attempt to go over him, but I have no idea how. I accept prayed about information technology so much — asking God to have my feelings for him away — merely He hasn't, and at present I'm more than confused than ever. Does the fact that God isn't taking my feelings away mean something's going to happen between us? Does this mean I have these feelings for a reason? Should I hold on to them? And if I shouldn't, how in the world exercise I finally allow them go? How do I begin to become over someone I care and then much about? I so hope y'all can aid me!

Hey friend,

I am so and so glad you lot asked well-nigh this, because this is a situation so many of us accept found ourselves in — myself included.

Sometimes information technology happens after a breakdown — they seem to be moving on fine, but no matter what you lot practice, your heart tin can't seem to let go. Sometimes it happens with a beat out. No affair what you practice, you just can't stop hoping something will happen.

The truth is, stopping feelings in one case they've started feels like stopping a runaway railroad train. Totally impossible. Or at least, Not like shooting fish in a barrel!

Things become even more complicated when we commencement praying, "God, if this isn't meant to be, please have my feelings away."

Because at least for me, I expected the answer to that prayer to feel like a vacuum in my chest. I pictured God sticking a professional grade shop-vac into my heart and sucking the feelings right out. And if that doesn't happen, then it kind of seems like He'south saying this is meant to be. Which makes letting become actually incommunicable.

I take totally been there. I think we all have.

But, if I could go dorsum and tell myself a few things when I was in those situations, I know exactly what I'd say, and those are the exact same things I want to tell you today.

I know that we might not be able to break through this seemingly impenetrable wall all at once today, but I'm hoping we tin pull out a few bricks so you can come across through to the other side.

Beginning, I want to share with y'all 2 things I learned (the hard manner, of course!) about this situation. And so we'll dive into the 5 steps I have actually taken to getting over someone and moving on.

So permit's start with these 2 things:

 i. I don't know if God'south actually giving the states a sign

It feels similar we're setting out a fleece. Doesn't it? Gideon said, God, delight don't be mad at me, but if this is from you, delight give me a sign. Let this wool fleece be wet with dew in the morning while the residuum of the ground is dry. So the next twenty-four hours, God, please let the fleece be dry, and the footing around information technology exist wet with dew, and if you do those things, I'll know this is from you.

And I think that's what we sometimes practise when nosotros pray, "God, if this isn't meant to exist, please have these feelings away." Nosotros hope that He'll pace in, suck them right out of our chests, and if He doesn't, that means information technology's meant to be. But I just don't know if that's how it works.

That's non how it worked for me.

For two years I prayed for God to have away my feelings if it wasn't meant to be. God didn't take away my feelings, and information technology nonetheless wasn't meant to be. And for a long time I was frustrated by that. It felt like God hung me out to dry. You know? God — why would you permit me to have those feelings if it wasn't meant to be? Or worse, why would yous GIVE me those feelings (which it feels similar He'south doing if He refuses to take them abroad), if we weren't going to cease up together? Information technology starts to experience like God is vicious, playing with our hearts, falling asleep at the bike when He should be protecting the states from harm.

Just here's something of import I realized non long ago: God doesn't requite us feelings for Himself, so why would He for someone else?

Here'due south what I mean — one of the cornerstones of our organized religion is that God gives the states a choice whether or non to love Him. When Jesus died on the cross for united states, it was an invitation into relationship with God. It was an opportunity to come and exist close, if nosotros wanted to be. But we know through reading scripture, and through looking back at our ain lives — lots and lots of times, people don't choose Him. And God allows that to happen. God doesn't strength united states of america to honey Him, He allows us the choice. And this is crazy because we're talking life and expiry hither. We're talking about conservancy, and God still doesn't force our hand.

And and so what makes usa think that He would in our relationships here on earth?

I think I idea that God would plop feelings down into my center — that He would put someone in my path and give me the feelings I had for them. He's God, right? He can do anything! But realizing that fifty-fifty when it comes to life and decease, God doesn't forcefulness our hand, helped me see that maybe the feelings I had for these guys weren't plopped from God in the first place. Peradventure I had more of a say in this than I realized.

And looking back over my relationship history, that's the truth I see. I can remember moments when someone liked me and I wasn't sure I liked them, simply I totally convinced myself into having feelings. I had the ability to do that, and I know you do too. I can see times when I roughshod for someone — head over heels — that wasn't good for me at all. They weren't skillful for me then, they weren't expert for me in the long run either. But I roughshod anyway. And I can see times when I thought I was trying not to similar someone, when I thought I was trying to get over them, but I can see myself stoking the fire of my feelings for them, helping them grow instead of diminish.

While dearest is most certainly blind, and while our hearts are this wild, curious toddler nosotros take to keep a constant centre on to go on out of trouble, our hearts are our hearts, and I recall God gives us absolute authority over who nosotros love and who nosotros don't.

He'due south not a controlling Father, forcing united states to love Him, and that'due south actually a matter of life and death. And so I don't think He reaches into our hearts and either places or removes feelings for someone here on world. I think He gives us the choice.

And that'due south what I've found in my marriage equally well.

When Carl and I were dating, I remember asking him once if he'd ever asked God if I was the woman for him. And what Carl reported back totally shocked me. Carl said that he felt similar God was giving us the choice. If we wanted to cull each other, we totally could. But we also didn't take to.

And when Carl told me that, I was similar, "Hold the telephone. What does that fifty-fifty mean? Isn't God supposed to choose?"

My Christian fairy tale was falling autonomously before my optics.

But then Carl stepped in and pointed out something I had never considered before. He told me that he thinks it's even MORE romantic to get to choose.

The affair is — how romantic is information technology to ask someone why they love you, and for them to say, "Because I was told to."? That's not fun at all. We don't want someone to be forced or coerced or even cajoled into loving us. We want them to choose united states, to see us and say, "That one. I cull her!" We want to be seen, recognized, and picked on purpose.

And that's what God was maxim to Carl. He was saying, "I'g not going to make this decision for you. Do yous want it to be her? Then go get her." And Carl did.

He pursued me because he wanted to, non because God told him to. He did information technology with God's blessing, for certain. Just he chose me. And that'south set us upwards for a beautiful string of nigh 4 years now of us choosing each other.

We hear people say this all the time, that love is a choice — that marriage is waking upwardly every single day and choosing that person all over once again. And that'south what Carl and I have been doing ever since.

He picked me, and I picked him, and every day nosotros wake up and do it all over once more. Nosotros choose each other, choose to pursue each other, to be kind to each other, to dear each other. Every day Carl feels seen and called, so practice I. Our paw wasn't forced, nosotros got to pick, and we picked each other.

And then I KNOW it feels totally confusing to enquire God to take something away and for Him not to do it. But I really do believe nosotros take more say over our feelings than maybe we realize. Which brings us to number two.

2. Getting over someone takes intentional activeness, and it's something we have to practice if we're always going to get to exist with someone else.

So if God isn't going to shop-vac our feelings out of our hearts, then what do nosotros practice? This is when most people would pipe in and say something like, "Time heals all wounds." And I agree with this — to an extent. I recall time helps tremendously, only I besides know that I've sat ii years abroad from the initial heartbreak, still belongings onto feelings. I bet you have as well.

One of my favorite things about our hearts equally women is our deep hope. Nosotros are loyal, committed, persistent with our promise. Nosotros stick it out, hold out for it, reject to let become, considering that's how deep our beloved goes.

Just the problem comes when it's time to let get. We don't know how, and sometimes even time isn't plenty to pry our fingers off of our hope for things to plow around. It certainly wasn't for me.

I needed to do specific, intentional things to allow get — to start to motility on. Because once again with the runaway train, left to my heart's own devices, it could hold onto hope forever.

But before we go into the specific things I did to first to let go, I want to remind u.s. of why we need to.

The matter is — if this person isn't going to be the person for the states, then we need to make room in our hearts for the person who is.

I recollect talking to my pastor once nigh an ex-boyfriend who was sort of dorsum in my life. I was trying to convince him and myself of why that ex and I could nonetheless be all-time friends — why it was totally fine for him to exist the person I chosen at the end of the mean solar day, the person who knew my deepest hopes and dreams, the person I walked side by side to through life. "We're non together," I told my pastor, "Nosotros're merely friends, so it'due south fine!"

But and so my pastor said something I'll never forget.

He said, "Steph, how practise y'all recall the next guy you engagement is going to feel about your ex-young man being your person? Also, isn't that the space your side by side boyfriend is supposed to occupy?"

That day, I started picturing my honey life like the Olympic podium and there was just space for one in the tiptop spot. If I had this ex-young man in that spot, either I was going to hurt the next guy who tried to have it, or I wouldn't be able to let anyone have it at all.

The pinnacle spot was being occupied, meaning there wasn't room for anyone new. And I know so many of u.s.a. have found ourselves here.

When we have super strong feelings for someone, and nosotros have for a long time, the prospect of dating someone new sounds painful and besides impossible. No i tin measure out upwardly. We compare everyone to that guy. Fifty-fifty worse, we might not exist able to date at all, because we're so consumed with someone nosotros aren't really with.

The top spot in our lives is occupied, and if we're ever going to allow someone else (like our future husband) take that seat, we demand to free it up.

So friend, I desire to terminate up past talking virtually the 5 intentional steps I took to get over someone I loved — to free my heart up plenty to engagement and even to love again.

And honestly — I am and so glad I did these things — because if I hadn't, then when my husband came along, I wouldn't have been able to give my heart to him.

So without further ado, hither nosotros go!

Step 1: Get some distance

And then this step is possibly the hardest because it feels so counter-intuitive. If we have feelings for someone, almost likely, we'll do pretty much anything to exist around them. I know I would. I would notice every alibi in the book to talk to them, to be effectually them, to hang out together.

But if we're ever going to be able to motility on, this is what has to change first.

I always think of a broken heart similar a physical wound. Matters of the heart can be too intangible to really know what to do with, so I think of it physically.

If I wanted to heal from something — from this broken heart, from this un-ending crush — the kickoff thing I needed to practise was to remove myself from the thing that was digging the wound deeper.

Every time I'd see the person I liked, I'd like them more. Every fourth dimension I'd run into my ex-boyfriend, my promise would increase, merely and then would my heartbreak.

But while beingness most them was hard, being abroad from them was fifty-fifty harder. Until I finally made myself get some altitude.

Sometimes information technology meant finding a different chore, or going to a different church, or hanging out with a unlike grouping of friends. Sometimes these moments lined up perfectly with times when I was headed out of town for an internship, or even meliorate, leaving the country!

Regardless of how y'all put distance betwixt yourself and this person, you need to accept some distance if you're ever going to exist able to movement on.

This means no more talking on the phone, stopping the constant texting, unfriending them on Facebook, unfollowing them on Instagram. Whatsoever way you lot are constantly keeping tabs on this person, constantly keeping in touch, hearing virtually them or seeing them — the most important (and of course, the hardest!) thing you need to do is to remove yourself from the state of affairs.

Until you have some infinite and time away from them, it's going to be almost incommunicable to move on. And then distance is the very first matter.

And trust me love, I know how hard this is. It feels cruel, or similar y'all're throwing abroad a friendship, or unfair that you have to give upward things you love in order to move on. Only know, it's not always permanent. You can go back to that church at some signal, or hang out with those friends without him, and perchance you can even exist friends again one solar day.

But distance is key to moving on. So that'southward step 1.

Pace 2: Watch your thoughts

A few weeks agone I was talking to a friend who just met a new guy. She didn't know him at all, but they'd just met, and from what she could tell, he was a total catch.

Over the next few weeks, she thought about him a ton.

She idea well-nigh the kind of person he might exist, and the things they could do together. Before long, she had this whole scenario mapped out in her encephalon — how they were going to encounter over again, autumn in dearest, where their first date would be, and how he would propose.

But here's the problem — a few weeks later, she saw him once again. This time he was with a girl. His fiancé. He had been engaged that entire time, and when she institute out, she was crushed.

And every bit she was telling me this, at that place wasn't a shred of judgement in my center in response. We have ALL washed this.

We actually have. Every bit women, with our cute, loving, hopeful hearts, we can think and imagine our fashion straight into beloved, fifty-fifty with a perfect stranger. Information technology's merely how nosotros are.

Only because we take this ability, because we have this ability, we really have to be conscientious with where we allow our thoughts become.

If we can fall in love with a perfect stranger but through the power of our imagination, we tin can certainly keep ourselves in love with someone for an infinite corporeality of time. That'south what I did with the guys I couldn't get over, and I have a feeling that's what you might be doing too.

And because our thoughts have this power, information technology'southward absolutely essential that we commencement belongings them accountable.

Our thoughts are powerful, and if we're heedless, and writing happy endings with the ii of us together, nosotros're not actively working to get over them, we're actively increasing our feelings for them.

And then if we really want to move on, and create an open space for someone who's in love with us right back, nosotros have to commencement watching our thoughts.

Find yourself daydreaming? Modify the discipline in your caput. Requite yourself something else to think about. This is a PERFECT time to start a new hobby. That's a perfect time to enquire God not to vacuum your feelings away, simply to help your heart to commencement to let go, to help you move on.

Our thoughts, our imagination, and our daydreams are where then much of this struggle takes place, and so we accept to start watching our thoughts.

Stand at the doorway to those fantasies and hopes and dreams, and when y'all feel yourself start to walk down that hallway, lovingly turn yourself back. You will give thanks yourself later when yous're able to fall in love with someone who doesn't just live in your hopes and daydreams.

Step 3: Remember the bad as well equally the good

One of the issues with having feelings for someone we're not currently in a human relationship with is that we tend to run into the relationship through rose-colored glasses. It's a combination of strong feelings, with a bear on of nostalgia, coupled with the fact that we're not really in a tangible relationship with them, so we see the proficient they do without being affected by the bad.

And all of this swirls together into this perfection that nobody (not even the guy you're thinking about!) can measure upwardly to.

Think most the stranger my friend vicious for a few weeks ago. He could have been the biggest jerk in the whole entire globe, and she would take never imagined it. Because in her head, where the relationship was unfolding, that's not how she pictured him. Simply the truth is, she didn't really know him at all. If she did, she might not have fallen so difficult.

So that'south why it's really important to remember the bad as well as the skilful.

Even if in that location aren't whatsoever glaring flaws to the guy you like, there is still a big one. He isn't pursuing you. He doesn't have feelings for you, or if he does, he'southward not making them known. He'due south not choosing y'all, non saying, "This is the i," and doing everything in his ability to make it so.

And that's a HUGE problem, because you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire to be in a relationship with you. You deserve then much more that.

And and then for me, and I'd bet for y'all, it'south a actually important thing to see the person you like through real, sober optics. Who are they really? Everyone has flaws, what were theirs? Information technology's only when nosotros start to see someone for who they really are — flaws and all — that we can start to become over them. And that someone groovy (and besides flawed) can commencement to vie for that top spot in our lives and actually stand a chance.

Step 4: Ask for help

I don't know if you lot've heard me talk about this before, but I am a huge fan of counseling. Both of my parents are licensed psychologists, and I've been to therapy before — several times. Not only have I been to therapy, but every single woman that I expect upward to, that I love, my best friends, my mentors, all of them accept been to therapy at to the lowest degree once. Near of them, several times.

I'g a huge fan of it considering in each of our lives, I think we come up against things we tin can't and shouldn't have to confront on our own.

Life is tough — it bumps u.s. and bruises the states — and I think there is such strength in saying, "I could utilise some help walking through this."

Nosotros don't try to heal our bodies on our own, and so I don't see a reason to try to heal our minds and our hearts on our own, particularly when there are trained doctors who tin can assist the states get through these things faster, more than finer, and more fully.

I've been to therapy several times for lots of different reasons, including for awhile when I was trying to go over a breakup.

And possibly you experience lightheaded thinking almost going to therapy almost something like this — but love affects us so securely and so powerfully. Why wouldn't we ask for help walking through information technology?

I knew that if I really wanted to be able to love someone new, if I really wanted to be able to invite a slap-up new guy into that peak spot in my life, I had to work through this, and work through it well.

I'm totally not maxim you Take to go to therapy, but if it'southward crossed your mind, or if you've wished you could inquire for help, but felt stupid for thinking virtually it with something as modest as this… I want to tell you, this isn't stupid.

This is important. This is a bang-up learning opportunity — a cracking moment for you to discover more near yourself, more virtually God, more about what you're looking for in a person. It'south the perfect time for you to heal fully from some by wounds, and from this electric current wound. I think a cleaved heart is a perfect reason to inquire for assistance, and so if you've been considering it, I hope you do! (And hither'due south a bully identify to find a counselor!)

Step v: Don't be afraid to engagement once more

I'chiliad totally not advocating for jumping into another serious relationship before you're ready, but I do think there's value to beingness able to see that there are other wonderful guys out there in the world.

Information technology'due south easy to experience similar you lost the but good one, they're your only run a risk, the only i for you and you lost them. Merely that's merely not truthful. It's just not. I don't believe it for a second.

In that location are and so many wonderful people in the world, and I think meeting some new ones is a great way to remember that there'south hope, that there'due south newness ahead of you lot, that in that location's dazzler and love in your future that you can't imagine quite yet. I recall it might assistance you start to imagine it.

I'm NOT advocating for toying with men's hearts. Don't pretend you're set for a serious relationship if you're not. But if y'all feel prepare to proceed a date, I think it'due south totally okay to get on a date. If you feel ready to merely even peruse what might be out there, that's dandy as well!

Just seeing what guys might exist out in the world might help remind you that there's life after the decease of this relationship.

The last thing I want to go out you with is something that helped me immensely when I was trying to go over someone. A practiced friend of mine told me something that his mom always used to tell him.

She says, "The person you marry volition be the coolest person you've ever met." And I really exercise believe that is true.

I've been through more heartaches than I can fifty-fifty tell you lot in this one little blog postal service, and I've watched my girlfriends take their hearts broken over more than guys than I can even count. We've waited, hoped, struggled to get over them, and thought that we really lost the one.

Just I tin tell you lot on behalf of me and my girlfriends that we wouldn't go back to any of them even if nosotros had the run a risk. Not fifty-fifty for a second.

The guys we've concluded upwards marrying are more than than we could ever accept asked for or imagined, more than than we would have ever been able to dream of when were in the depths of our heartbreak. And that's how information technology should be.

(Hither'southward a podcast episode where my best friend and I talk about how we got through some of our toughest breakups, and why we wouldn't go back and modify our stories even for a second!)

I know yous, and you wouldn't ally someone who is a poor man's replacement for the guy you lot're trying to become over right at present. Which means, the person you do marry volition be better than the person you lot thought was perfect.

It's just true. Mine is, information technology's been the instance for every woman I know, and I believe that it's true for you likewise, friend.

Let yourself to open your easily, do the intentional things you demand to do to outset letting go, and to start moving forward, considering I promise yous — there are better things ahead than the ones yous're leaving behind.

I'm on your team, I'm praying for you, and you tin do this. I know you can.

All my dear,

P.S. Could you employ some encouragement in this flavor, a reminder that you lot're not lonely in this, or just a distraction? (Sometimes a distraction is and then so helpful!).

If so, click here. That link will take you to a gratuitous download of my book, The Lipstick Gospel.

It's the story of the fourth dimension when I got my center broken into a million pieces, and how that heartbreak ended upwards existence the very best thing to always happen to me.

Pin Me!

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Source: https://stephaniemaywilson.com/2016/08/30/how-do-i-get-over-someone/

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